Just Give Me a Reason
by whistlingawaythedark
Summary: Cal has finally realized his feelings for Gillian. So what is he waiting for? Set after the season 3 finale.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story begins at the end of season 3 and will be my version of what might have happened in season 4. I'm not really sure where it is going yet so we shall see where it takes me. Also, rating may change to "M" in the future. Any feedback or ideas are welcome, thanks for reading! **

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Long after Emily had sidled off to bed, Cal sat on the sofa replaying their conversation in his head.

"_Gillian… Do you love her?"_

Her question should have surprised him but despite his exceptional ability to detect hidden meanings behind words, he hadn't understood what she was truly getting at.

He had answered without thought, almost automatically.

"_Of course darling, of course I love her." _

But this response hadn't been what she was looking for, and never one to give up so easily, she tried again.

"_No, I mean… _really _love her?"_

When he finally understood the implication behind her words, he had been somewhat surprised, taken aback. Not so much because she had asked him that particular question but because she had brought to the forefront of his mind something he was barely conscious of himself. Even if deep down he had known for a long time that his feelings for Gillian were more than just, well—_friendly—_he had managed to hide this knowledge quite successfully from himself and up until this point, from others as well.

Her second question had really been the most baffling though.

"_What are you waiting for?"_ She had asked him and as he put one arm over her shoulders, he had tried to think up a viable response.

Besides the fact that he had buried his feelings for Gillian for so long, the truth was—perhaps—that the timing had never been quite right. After all, the circumstances under which they'd met were less than conventional. He had been a patient of hers when they both worked at the Pentagon. In addition to the professional boundaries that were a barrier to any initial attraction he might have had, they had both been married at the time.

So, from the beginning, a romantic relationship with her had been off limits and, over the years, he had continued to think of it that way.

But _when_ had his feelings for her actually changed? When had he begun to desire more from her than just the comfortable companionship he had always so appreciated and enjoyed?

He allowed memories from the previous years to flash through his mind. He could see, through the kaleidoscope of images that flooded his tired brain, all the moments from the years past building upon one another, pushing him ever closer to the present realization that his daughter had brought to his attention.

_There was Gillian, in the first days after they had opened the group, excitement dancing in her eyes as she discussed their first case. _

_There she was again, laughing at his jokes while they blew off steam from a challenging case at the bar near the office. _

_There she was, a few years later, on the day Zoe walked out on him, sitting beside him with a hand on his shoulder while he drowned his sorrows in a bottle of scotch. _

_And there she was, standing in front of him and swallowing her own husband's lies while Cal bit his tongue and pushed away his nearly overwhelming desire to protect her. _

_There she was still, months later, on the day she told him she was getting a divorce and he felt both a deep sadness for her and a flutter of hope inside._

_And finally, there she was, just under a year ago, on the day they had acted as a couple when investigating a porn company, and as part of their act, he had kissed her. _

Yes, he had _kissed_ her. And his memory reminded him of how ill prepared he had been for the rush of feeling he experienced when his lips touched hers.

He should have known then, as he knew now, that he loved her.

"_I don't have an answer for that one, luv" _He had replied to his daughter's question.

And it had been the truth. He had no clue what he was waiting for.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and your patience waiting for this next chapter. Hope you all enjoy :)**

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Gillian lay on the couch, her legs curled underneath her and a blanket pulled tight against her body. She was trying to focus her attention on the TV blaring in front of her but she could not shake images of Claire's murder from her head.

She kept replaying the scene in her mind, and rather than fading, the details were becoming progressively clearer, until she felt as if she was back in Claire's apartment, watching again and again as the young girl took her last ragged breaths.

If _only_ she had realized how much danger Claire was in.

If _only_ she had gotten there sooner.

Logically, she knew it wasn't her fault. There was no way she could have saved her. And yet, she also knew that strong emotions were rarely rational.

Cal had picked up on her guilt earlier while they sat on the couch in her office. He had put his arm around her and pressed her body to his side. He had felt warm and safe and for just a moment it had seemed as if she would be okay.

"_Don't do that, luv."_ He had whispered in her ear.

"_Do what?"_

"_Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault darlin." _

She knew he was right. And she also knew that she would have said the same to him, because it was the truth. But just as Cal blamed himself for his mother's suicide, Gillian felt that in some warped way she was at fault for what had happened to Claire.

She wished Cal were here with her now. Although his reassurance couldn't completely assuage the guilt and sadness she felt, being in his presence was enough to take the edge off of the pain and would certainly have distracted her from continuing to relive the trauma.

She was tempted to call him but there was something holding her back. Something was still irking her, something that had slipped from her awareness during the terror of the past few days. It was as she was yet again replaying the aftermath of the murder that she hit upon what had previously eluded her.

Cal had called Willowski to the scene. And Gillian, even in her state of shock, had felt a twinge of something unpleasant that had nothing to do with Claire's mangled body. Something that felt a lot like anger.

But why would she be angry? He had been trying to help her, after all.

Her thoughts strayed back to Cal's reaction when Willowski arrived at the crime scene. Willowski's attire, a sexy black dress that showed way more leg than seemed appropriate, had indicated that she had just left a date and Cal had been fuming about this. He had acted as if his anger stemmed from his concern for Gillian but even in her dissociative state she had been able to identify this as a half-truth. Yes, Cal had been trying to protect her, but he had also been stung to discover that Willowski was seeing someone else.

And then it dawned on her. In and of itself, the fact that Cal had called Willowski didn't bother her. What really sparked her anger was his clear agitation in regards to Willowski's date. And the fact that this was bothering her could only mean one thing… she was _jealous_.

Her thoughts stopped cold. She knew where this was going and a large part of her felt unready to face the truth that was already pushing to make itself heard.

Because _if_ she was jealous, there was only one conclusion that could logically follow.

And even if deep down she had known for quite sometime that her feelings for Cal were more than just, well—_friendly—_the idea of anything more with him terrified her. She knew, intrinsically, that she could not bear to lose him and admitting that she loved him, even to herself, had the potential to threaten everything they had built together.

Exhausted and unwilling to allow her thought process to go any further she buried her head in her pillow and closed her eyes. Cal's face filled the darkness behind her closed eyelids and his image didn't leave her until several minutes later when she fell into an uneasy sleep.


End file.
